Sta.sh
Left Leaving
by ~JosephExplosivePersuasive infinity pummels at my willpower.
Spokes of energy flail from straying focus,
Coercing to gouge towards the drifting intoxicated leaves
Feeling the horizon and its friends.
Crisp underfoot.
Gravity taints spatial limitlessness.
Gristle becomes marrow, bone becomes flesh.
I wince as it occurs to me that leaf will never be whole again.
Particles of organic debris trail my shadow.
The debris leaves sharp streaks of emasculation.
Strong and deep -
Yet evidence of destruction is prevalent as the pinnacles deride my silhouette.
The sun downcast in its gaze.
Solar energy weakening focus.
It is but in the past.
)
Nice concept though,
--
~Clare~
"There is no sanctuary for the damned, no salvation for the wicked, only sweet insanity, a small break from reality. A minor taste of what could be, if we unchained our minds, and set them free"
The structure appears somewhat problematic to me. I can't really find a flow in the piece, it almost seems like every line is a separate unit (especially in the second and last stanzas). It feels weird that some parts of the poem are narrated using complete sentences and some are written in a much more minimalistic style, the ending in particular. I believe that the last line is really weak, probably the weakest line in the whole poem. You should try to find a more concrete image for the ending.
--
What do death, Chinese checkers and
My CFS/ME/FM treatment book
It really pleases me that you find the structure problematic. It encourages me to delve even further into structural and literal obliqueness.
However it has been 9 years since I wrote any poetry.
A lot of my work is spontaneous and I don't actually think of the meanings of what I'm writing so much - I guess this means that I try to make the reader make sense of it with a simple closing thought (see my other pieces).
I will work on the last line - thanks
My work is written with attention to the idea of it being used lyrically and musically. There will possibly be some confusion.